Successful relationships are those in which people truly listen. The best guidelines for how to listen come from an unlikely source, the “Instructions to the jury” read by judges. The judge instructs jurors to “keep an open mind,” “not form or express an opinion about this case while the trial is going on” and “not decide on a verdict until after you have heard all the evidence and have discussed it thoroughly with your fellow jurors…”

These words also describe what it takes to be a good listener. Good listening has the power of forging bonds between strangers, saving a struggling child, transforming a company, revitalizing stagnant relationships, saving a friendship and even preventing a suicide. Learning to really “be with” another person by listening to them as if our lives depended on it, can and has positively changed the course of a life, family, community and a nation.

What does it take to be an exceptional listener? Here are a few tips I wrote for eHarmony.com …

But what is resilience when it comes to being in a relationship?

Relationship resilience is the ability to work through and move forward after a setback, injury or loss to one or both partners. Staying engaged after a serious argument, misunderstanding or breech of trust — and finding our way back to one another is not an easy proposition. It would be easier to put up a wall of anger and tell our partners to go jump in a lake. Staying in “the pocket” (to borrow a term from professional football), is as critical to the survival and future success of a struggling relationship as anything.

Picking ourselves up off the floor, dusting ourselves off and getting back in the game (of love and companionship) requires the following. (read the full post on Inspiyr.com)

My mother, a real trooper, has been having a terribly difficult time of life the past several months.  Aches and pains and a steady stream of visits to doctors and hospitals have made life less than a pleasant affair.  I have never seen my normally feisty and upbeat mother feeling so down.  When I heard that renowned pianist, Olga Kern, and the San Diego Symphony were playing age-old compositions by Rachmaninov and Tchaikovsky that I’d grown up listening to as a child, I told my mother she “had a date.”

My mother’s excitement on the short ride from her retirement community to Symphony Hall was like that of a small child. We were, after all, on our way to listen to the deeply soulful, yet joyous, classical music that my mother had performed on the clarinet at the 1939 Worlds Fair. The unforgettable melodies she had instilled in me as a child.

Minutes later, we were being seated in the second row, center aisle, perfectly positioned to see even the tiniest movements of Olga Kern’s fingers and facial expressions.  Glancing over at one another as the Conductor emerged from side stage and the orchestra began playing, a knowing/telling glance between an aging mother and her middle-aged son, we were, for that moment, suspended in time.  The tapestry of live violins, tympani, cello’s and horns of genius composers enfolded us in a sacred, once-in-a-lifetime moment.

It was not surprising that tears of joy ran softly down both of our faces and across our smiles.  It was, however, a bit of a shock to look up and see one of the cellists crying softly as she gazed down at my mother and I from the stage.  Watching us hold hands and shed tears of joy over the sheer beauty of music that bonded us, perhaps we had reminded her of her own mother.  And the love they shared? Or were cheated out of? I gazed back up at her, and bowed my head with a smile.

We spend a lifetime gazing upon other people, be they couples in love (“Get a room!”), a mother’s fleeting moment of innocence with her small child or a gold medal winner on the Olympic platform with their family looking on. We gaze upon them because we know these are once-in-a-lifetime moments. Some very lucky individual, couple or family has been anointed.  Blessed.  For all time.

Last Saturday night, and this Mother’s Day, it’s me! And my beloved Mother.  And for this gift, I am eternally grateful.

What are some of the blessings that you wish to count this Mother’s Day? Or create? Do your best to give away, and receive, special expressions of love, gratitude and appreciation on Mother’s Day, and every day.

If you like this article, please share it!

Copyright Ken Druck, Ph.D., resilience expert, speaker, consultant, and author of The Real Rules of Life (Hay House). Permission to reprint granted with proper credit.

Photo credit: Parvin  / Foter.com / CC BY-SA

Carlye graduated with a Bachelors of Arts from the Reynolds School of Journalism at the University of Nevada Reno, with a Minor in Photography. Shortly after graduation, Carlye knew she was a big fish in a little pond, and wanted something bigger and better.  So she packed up and relocated to San Diego – somewhere she had never been, but knew she belonged.

Twelve years later, Carlye has made a name for herself on the entertainment scene planning and photographing weddings, charity events and other important affairs in an around Southern California. Although her event training has been mainly in weddings,  her love of charitable work has opened the doors for her to be an impressive San Diego fundraising coordinator. Carlye has worked closely with Kick 4 Hope a local soccer charity to aid many fights facing Africa, Crystal Darkness a national anti crystal meth campaign, the San Diego Firefighter’s Relief Association who helps firefighters and their families in times of need, and a White Party in La Jolla with Ferrari & Maserati of San Diego to benefit the Challenged Athletes Foundation.

Carlye’s eye for detail, creativity and dedication to putting together the perfect experience for everyone involved make her the ideal executive assistant for Dr. Druck. This combined with her love of running, hiking, laughing, being a diehard San Diego Chargers fan, a mom and always seeking out the silver lining in life makes her perfect for Ken’s team.

Feel free to send her a welcome email! Carlye is looking forward to meeting, helping and enjoying the sunshine with you! carlye@kendruck.com

Ordinary citizens stepped forward with unprecedented acts of heroism and generosity, local and Federal police went far above and beyond the call of duty restoring peace and insuring justice, first responders, EMT’s, medics and caregivers on the streets ran to the aid of those in need, massive crowds gathered across our nation and abroad (The London Marathon) to give tribute to those lost, injured and traumatized, sports stadiums and arenas sang the national anthem in unison and flag are at half mast across our nation. No doubt, countless acts of unsung compassion and philanthropy continue to blanket our nation with kindness every day.

In the words of my dear friend, Michael, who was at mile 19 when the two deadly blasts went off, ”the inhumanness of the attack were counterbalanced by the endless acts of kindness by and for the runners.” Michael, and thousands like him, witnessed a generosity of spirit in the streets, hospitals, airports and hotels surrounding Boston — and spreading across America, reminiscent of the days and weeks following 9-11. Bostonians opened their homes and businesses, and shared Google Docs with names of volunteers and resources available; they opened their hearts in an unprecedented show of support for out-of-state runners. Runners spontaneously went straight over to Mass General Hospital to give blood. When news spread of victims having lost limbs in the bombing, impassioned offers of help came in from doctors and amputee athletes across the world.

These selfless acts of kindness may not trump hatred, or prevent it from rearing its ugly head once again, but they do pave the way for restoring our sense of humanity.  Kind-heartedness asks us to slow down – and reaffirms the peace-loving side of who and what we are.  It awakens us from malaise and indifference, mobilizes us to purposeful action and underlines the critical importance of kindness in our everyday lives, and our world.

Of course, we have much yet to learn about kindness … and its limits.  What would cause the 19 and 26 year old sons of war refugees whose parents came to the US and who were afforded all the benefits of a free society, to align with jihadist beliefs and practices?  What happened, or did not happen, that turned these boys into cold blooded murderers?  What can all of us, not just the authorities, do to help identify, disarm, prevent (and learn from the pathology of) deeply disturbed young men before they become assassins?  Finally, how might we become a kinder, less racially, ethnically, politically and religiously divided nation, find more common ground on which to live together and, in so doing, make our neighborhoods, communities and nation safer?

The trauma of Boston will, in time and with support, work its way through our nervous systems, brains and hearts. Continued acts of kindness, not only from others, but towards ourselves can make all the difference.  Rather than hurry ourselves to “get over it,” and/or judge ourselves to be “failures” if the remnants of violence (i,e, grief, fear, outrage, sorrow, restlessness, etc.), continue to stir deep within us, we must be patient, encouraging and accepting of our condition.

This will take great patience and emotional self-care, things that may be easier said than done. But doing so will best insure that we get the help we need to move forward, rather than simply learning how to be good actors and “pass” for normal when that is not the truth.

The kindness arising across our nation and many parts of the world needs to be met by simple acts of loving kindness towards ourselves. In The Real Rules of Life: Balancing Life’s Terms with Your Own, I write about how we can bring greater self-compassion into our life, and kindness into our community. Please share this with anyone you feel could use it.

Copyright Ken Druck, Ph.D., resilience expert, speaker, consultant, and author of The Real Rules of Life (Hay House). Permission to reprint granted with proper credit.

Photo credit: JustinJensen / Foter.com / CC BY

Of course, we’re relieved knowing more about the identities of this latest crop of young men gone off the deep end. We’re curious how they talked themselves into believing that blowing up innocent people was the right thing to do. We want to know how those amongst us become merciless killers — and how to protect ourselves. And, of course, we want to put the horror of this despicable act of homicidal cowardice behind us.

But let’s not be so quick to move on. To return to our comfort zones. Our work is far from done. It’s on us to do everything our power to honor those lost and injured to turn this horrible tragedy into an opportunity for deeper understanding and purposeful action, as we’re trying to do in neighboring Newtown, Connecticut.

Tying things up in a pretty little bow and moving on to the next bit of “Breaking News,” now that terrorists have been caught or killed — or after the victims have been memorialized and laid to rest, is simply not good enough. When we hide, deny, repress and run away from our raw sense of horror, outrage, grief, sorrow and fear, we miss out on opportunities for change. This is a teachable moment in our culture of violence. A time to come together and consider significant changes to the root causes of violence. These raw emotions, while uncomfortable and deeply unsettling, fuel the inspiration to turn darkness into light. Processed, and expressed in a constructive way, they inspire a call to action that could prevent further acts of terror. Let’s not be lulled into a false sense of closure just because news crews have moved on. Let’s not declare “closure” until we have actually done something to make our children, neighborhoods, communities, nation and world safer.

For some suggestions how to handle the immediate aftermath of a tragedy, see my previous post. Please subscribe to my newsletter as I’ll be writing subsequent pieces about how we can act constructively in the coming weeks, months, years. And of course, please feel free to send me your thoughts through the contact us page.

Blessings,
Ken

Copyright Ken Druck, Ph.D., resilience expert, speaker, consultant, and author of The Real Rules of Life (Hay House). If you like this, please share it.

Photo Credit: (Elise Amendola/AP Photo)

Our systems have, once again, been shocked by heinous acts of violence. Bombs exploding at the Finish Line of the Boston Marathon have claimed the lives of at least 3, one of them an 8-year old boy, wounded over 144, and captured the attention of the world via global media outlets.

How we’re doing in the aftermath of this most recent atrocity depends on how close we are to the epicenter. Those who lost loved ones are experiencing their first moments in hell.  Residents, people living in surrounding areas, spectators or those who had loved ones running in the race, are shaken to the core.  The majority of Americans and our friends abroad watch TV, read newspapers and scan the Internet with an all-too-familiar sense of horror and disbelief.  How could such a thing happen? Again?

Defenseless when death really happens (as opposed to fake homicides on TV and in the movies), kids are re-traumatized. Those who are sufficiently numb, dispassionate, vengeful or indifferent go about their day as though nothing happened. “Business as usual.”  And the folks who run around like their “hair is on fire,” catastrophizing, over-dramatizing, commercializing and/or inappropriately drawing attention to themselves act as if the sky is falling.

Regardless where you stand in proximity to the epicenter, or how you cope with atrocities, this is a sad and terrifying day in America. The gruesome images being replayed like falling towers lend no answers to the search for “why?” Nor do the radical pundits on talk radio and TV who seem to feel a good political or moral spin will satisfy. Boston’s bombing presents us with yet another opportunity to bring out the best or worst in ourselves — and one another — as we try to wrap our minds around what our world is coming to and how to reduce the risks that threaten our nation.

Here are a few suggestions for what to do in the aftermath of a tragedy like the one we witnessed at the Boston Marathon.  Consider cultivating the very highest and best in yourself over the next several days, weeks and months by doing the following:

1. Hold a kind thought, send your support and say a prayer for those lost and injured, and their families.

2. Take a deep breath, light a candle, take a hot bath and begin to slowly bring yourself through the shock and horror.

3. Talk about how you feel with someone you trust. Express the anger/shock/fear/outrage/sorrow/helplessness/grief you’re feeling.

4. Watch the news to get the information you need — and then turn it off.  Do the same with your kids.  Don’t O.D. on breaking news.

5. Remain alert, vigilant and rational. Do the things that allow you to feel safe from danger.

6. Help children talk about/deal with/suggest peaceful solutions for the violence and trauma they experienced today.

7. Take constructive action to curb violence in all of its expressions. Do your part to deescalate the hatred and pain.

May the days ahead go gently for all of us, especially those whose loved ones died or who we’re injured.  And may we find a way to end the hatred and pain that fuels cowardly, inhuman acts of terror — and find the path that best insures/protects the freedom, safety and the lives we cherish.

Copyright Ken Druck, Ph.D., resilience expert, speaker, consultant, and author of The Real Rules of Life (Hay House). If you like this, please share it.

Photo Credit: David L. Ryan / Boston Globe

That same year, I started the Jenna Druck Center, a non-profit foundation, to honor my daughter’s life and spirit — and created Families Helping Families, a program to help other bereaved families.

The response was overwhelming. We started receiving calls from all over the world and, to date, The Jenna Druck Center has been a lifeline for over five thousand bereaved families.

After our first year, however, something completely unexpected happened. We started getting calls from parents whose children were still alive – but who were grieving their loss none-the-less.

Their children were either missing, strung out on drugs, debilitated by a mental or physical illness or an accident, estranged, incarcerated and/or lost to them is some other way.

These parents were suffering horribly and in as much need of support as those whose kids had died.

Feeling helpless, scared, confused, angry, humiliated, guilty — and living under a dark cloud of fear, dread, despair and sorrow – everything from their health, to their relationships, to their work and sense of purpose for living were all profoundly affected.

The future they had envisioned for their children, themselves and their families was in great peril, or had already been lost. They were in dire need of understanding, emotional support, guidance and resources to help their children — and themselves.

And so I began inviting these mothers, fathers, brothers, sisters, cousins, grandparents and friends from all corners of the community to come together to support one another, learn from experts, develop effective intervention and survival strategies and share vital information about resources in our community.

Since then, the “Living Losses” program has been helping families from all over the world for 16 years.

I have been giving public workshops and running support groups for families in every imaginable situation. And the need is even greater today. Let me explain a few harsh reasons why:

1. Alcohol and drug abuse has become pandemic – resulting in a dramatic rise in the number of families suffering from living losses.

2. Increasing numbers of young people, including soldiers returning from war with fractured bodies and hearts, are struggling horribly to stabilize and settle their lives. They have lost their way. Many of them are at risk. Their suffering, and the desperation of those who love them, is immeasurable.

3. Debilitating depression, anxiety, autism and antisocial behavior are running rampant in our kids and young adults, creating a black hole of despair in countless thousands of families.

4. Stress, environmental and food-based diseases are on the rise, claiming the health and shortening the lives of millions of people. Health, illness and disease-related problems are incapacitating aging baby boomers.

5. Children and young women disappear or go missing every week somewhere in America, creating perhaps the most brutally terrifying, savage and violent kinds of living losses.

And so on.

One of the most powerful, yet little known, truths I write about in The Real Rules of Life: Balancing Life’s Terms with Your Own is that we grieve for the people we love while they are alive. And that many of our worst losses are “living” losses.

Our society has yet to recognize the severity of pain associated with living losses – or to provide adequate resources to those who are suffering.

Living with alcoholism and drug addiction, or someone who is debilitated, estranged, traumatized or has gone missing, is heart-wrenching. Lost, or at risk, are their hopes and dreams for the future.

Parents, spouses and siblings fight valiantly to help their loved ones, in some cases just to keep them alive. The cost of living on edge, depleting their own limited resources, seeking help from the community and going to sleep/waking up every day hoping for a miracle is considerable.

The frustration, pain, confusion, humiliation, exhaustion, heartache and feelings of utter helplessness can be overwhelming. Believing that somehow, some way, things will get better, and devoting our time and energy to making that happen, takes tremendous amounts of raw courage, faith, hope, determination and human resources.

Sometimes things do get better. An addicted or alcoholic son or daughter goes to rehab, stays sober and builds a good life for themselves. A returning vet gets job training and trauma counseling, falls in love and slowly puts their life back on track. An estranged daughter comes home after years on “the road.” A missing child is found alive. A dying 74 year-old man who has already said “good-bye” to his family receives the transplanted heart of an 18 year-old boy who died only a few hours earlier in a car accident.

And sometimes they don’t. Living losses become life losses. Casualties. And we grieve a death.

What can those of us who suffer from living losses do to help ourselves? Our loved ones? Where can we turn to find relief no matter what the source of our suffering? What can we do to save a loved one’s life? Salvage their future? How can we take care of ourselves, “process” our grief, continue to learn from experience, remove ourselves from the torture chamber of guilt and summon the strength to survive? How can we fight our way back into our own lives?

Here are three resources that exist in many of our communities.

1. Attend a Recovery Program or Support Group
Programs like Alanon and “Living Losses” support groups directly address these inner and outer challenges described above through peer support and education, resource and information-sharing, expert advice, experiential learning and community advocacy.

You will quickly learn that you’re not alone! We all have much to learn about living with and even preventing living losses and promoting the kinds of things that reduce and/or prevent them. There are devoted, knowledgeable experts in almost every community. But we also have one another. Peer support and education can make all the difference. Our slogan at The Jenna Druck Center is “Hope Loves Company.”

2. Self-Help Resources
We also have the amazing ability to help ourselves. How we do this is the core of my “Real Rules of Life” book. By taking exceptionally good care of ourselves, getting the help and support we need, learning more about how to cope with the pain, sorrow, anger, fear and frustration that come with a living loss, we can fight the good fight.

Becoming our own best friend and supporter also means freeing ourselves of the debilitating blame, guilt, judgment and punishment that many of us have unknowingly turned against ourselves. Learning to treat ourselves with kindness, patience, self-compassion, forgiveness, encouragement and understanding is the key. Each of us is human — and a work in progress. We deserve a second chance. Helping ourselves changes everything.

3. Getting Professional Help
Getting professional help from a qualified therapist, counselor, Living Losses Coach or spiritual advisor/ clergy can make all the difference as a stand-alone activity or complement to the other options mentioned above.

We don’t get to play God in this life. No matter how healthy, wealthy or wise we become, there will always be things that are beyond our ability to control, or understand. We can, however, learn to live valiantly, humbly and honorably in the face of life’s most devastating living losses, setbacks and tragedies.

We can summon great strength and face each day as it comes, doing the best we can, working hard to help ourselves and our loves ones create the best of all possible futures. This takes time and great courage.

Rising out of the ashes, mobilizing resources and fighting our way back into life is how we grow our souls. This is also the greatest triumph of the human spirit, but it only happens one breath at a time.

This article was originally published on MariaShriver.com. Copyright Ken Druck, Ph.D., author of The Real Rules of Life (Hay House, tradepaper 2013).

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